“I Should Have Just Left You There” 

Words that played over and over in my mind.

Words that came from someone who I thought, at one point, hung the moon and all the stars.

He should have left me there, but he didn’t. I guess that’s what really matters.

Let me break it down:

I was on a long path of self-destructive behavior, with no cares in the world. I met someone at the worst possible time. Everything that could drag me down, was doing well at accomplishing just that. This guy saw sides of me that, looking back now, even make me cringe.

What worth did I have? I saw none in myself. And because of my actions, neither did he.

“You’re going to sink.”

I was in too deep. I was so far under the waves of my own broken dam that I couldn’t catch my breath enough to even speak for myself.

I was a coward. I didn’t stand up. I sank lower. I secluded myself. I was spiritually dying..

“I should have just left you there.”
…in the state of completely shattered pieces just chaoticly searching for something to hold on to! No direction.. No aspirations.  Hell, all I knew how to do was lay down, write and tie my shoes. Yeah, I could drive.. I could drive my car right into a fence and end my own misery. That was a thought every three days.

“WHO AM I?!”  My soul screamed.. 

 All the while I have this person, who I have completely anchored myself down to at this point, screaming right at me too:

You can’t even think for yourself!”

“You literally do NOTHING!”

“I just have to maintain…and tolerate.”



So many things that, at the time, I thought would ring in the back of my mind forever. So many words….

What was I doing… I couldn’t breathe.. I was so lost between the emotional battle of trying to be someone… and trying to ground myself for everything bad that I had already done!! I could not find a middle ground no matter how much I dug inside.

For months, I felt this way, and it just got worse.. A battle upstairs, and a battle in front of my eyes.. I was at war.

“I can’t do this anymore..” I would think… but I would do it again. I had nowhere else to go.. I had nobody.

My past ripped everything I ever had to shreds.. I was paying for it.

I was dealing with all of the consequences of everything I had ever done. It was my time for reconstruction, rebuilding, reboot.. whatever you may see it as. I was being bulldozed.

It was time to close a chapter, and start a whole new book.
Months passed, and we both got to our breaking point.. He made me leave. He made me go out into the world, and mend myself.

“Sink or swim”

A third perspective would look at us and say “abuse” and “destruction.”

But… when you break it down… Who was really to blame in a situation like that?

From my blind eyes I thought:

I need him. I can’t do this life alone. He is everything I ever see myself with.

 

From his eyes:

How could I love someone who has no value of their own life? Someone who sees nothing in themselves. No goals. She is a “parasite.”

…..

Being forced to leave was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Being broken down was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Being cut off from everybody I’d ever known was the best thing that ever happened to me.


The  adventure that my demons took me on was quite a crazy one… but I was given a chance for a new start. A door was opened, and I hit it running.

What I learned was this:

Never love someone more than you love yourself.

GOD comes first!

AND

NEVER be afraid.

Take your hardships as a challenge, and love the hell out of yourself. Find the worth in your soul, and frustrate your flesh.
Be able to realize that, sometimes, the truth hurts.

Nothing good comes without a fight, and nothing beautiful comes easy.

“If it hurts, it’s probably what’s best.”

Thank the Lord for all the chances he gives us, and the places he takes us. Don’t be afraid to ask him for direction. If you listen,  he talks.

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Daily Prompt: Doubt

Doubt is an illness.

Sadly, some don’t see that we willingly welcome it into our minds. 

Doubt is a tricky human weakness.

We doubt ourselves. 

We doubt our loved ones. 

We doubt our friends, strangers and even God. 

Doubt leads to worry, which leads to fear, which ultimately leads to self destruction.

Why would be choose to make ourselves sick, when we have the choice to be empowered by a challenge, instead of disabled by the fears, of doubt?

Doubt is a dark cloud that fogs your vision. 

Have Faith and shine through it. 

The Social-Media Sickness: Part 1

This is one that I have been on for a while now. While this is not just a social media issue, it is what is being put out there for the people to implant into their minds.

Emails: I just checked my email to correspond with my insurance agency, and all the headlines are of what the celebrities of the world are currently doing.


WHAT SATISFACTION DO PEOPLE GET FROM READING THESE THINGS??????


If anybody could defend this and convince me that this in any way is good for the mind.. I encourage you to do so! The Lord says in 1 Timothy 5:13

“And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not.”

 1 Timothy 5:13

What I believe that God is saying here is that people are becoming, or have become, lazy and obsessed with talking of others instead of USING THE GIFTS that God has given them. Instead of pursuing their purpose in life, they get caught up in the gossips and nonsense of the media.

The Lord also says in 1 Timothy 6:5

“useless wranglings of men of corrupt minds and destitute of the truth, who suppose that godliness in means of gain. From such, withdraw yourself.”

1 Timothy 6:5

Here, if you do not follow or have never sat to read the word of God, he is saying do not get tangled up in the uselessness of the false things that are put out there for your intake. He says more specifically not to use the Truth (God) as a gain, but to withdraw from anything of the such.

The good book is a MUCH better alternative to the ramblings of the media.

I will end this on this note: If you participate in social media, please remember that whatever you put out there is seen by the youth. If you do not see how the world is in shambles, look harder. Remember that YOU are a leader and you are here to set an example for the youth to come, just as the elders before us paved the path for all of us today. Please, set a good example. For many of us have children in the world that we love and want to be happy and pure.

 

BE THE CHANGE. BE THE LEADER.

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What better thing to be, than yourself? Lead for better, and they shall follow for the better.

 

Thank you for reading,

Ash

What I’ve Learned From Being a Hoarder

 

A few days ago, my mom called me. She had found 3 boxes full of my junk from years ago.

I picked them up last night, brought them home and immediately started rummaging.

Box 1: This was the most intriguing box of them all. In it, I found old notes. Notes written by me and people that I used to know when I was 13. I couldn’t believe some of the things that I was reading…. the way we talked, the things that we talked about.. The even more striking feeling was remembering writing them. The flood that came over me when I unfolded those hundreds of pieces of paper.. What was I doing???? From what I remember being like, to actually READING what came from my young mind, the two versions of me that I was seeing were nothing alike. Reality vs Memory.

I was an odd kid.

Box 2: In this box, I found old pictures. A whole folder from the fifth grade trip that we took to Camp Grady Spruce. I had marked them all up with a blue sharpie, and added notations to the back of each and every picture. I added sticky notes to the ones I had attachments to. I remember doing so, and I remember exactly why.

I found journals as well. Tons of them. Journals with poems, upon poems, upon poems. Journals with letters to people I used to know. Journals with.. super heartfelt stuff. It was a pretty fun little journey to read my emotions from almost ten years ago.

Box 3: This box was the plainest of them. In it, I found old pillows and blankets from my teenage years. Presents from friends and family. Nonetheless, just random mementos.

After spending an hour or so going through all these things, it got me thinking. Everybody insists that hoarding is a bad thing.  Well, I’m starting to think otherwise. (Just remember self-control!) I have held onto things my entire life, and I am starting to believe that this can actually be therapeutic in some forms and ways.

“Therapeutic, how?”  Great question. Here’s how:

Remember when I said that the feelings/memories of writing those notes came back? Well, for me, that showed me where I was to where I am now. I know the type of person I was raised up to be. I know the type of person I was, and I know the type of person that I am today. Through all of the things that I have held onto, I can reach myself on another level. I can reach into my past and view my progress as a human being on not only memories, but by my own keepsakes and words. I find that to be pretty incredible.

This being said, if you are fortunate enough to have memories put in a box somewhere around your life, take a look some time. You may be amazed by just how much you DO change.

 

Thank you for reading,

Ash

Inspiration!

Good mid-morning to you all!

 

Yesterday, I had a very inspiring moment. I was sitting in a large room with myself and my guitar, and I was trying to connect with my music. I have come to find lately that when I write down a song, putting it onto a track with music doesn’t always come out the way that I envision it in my mind. I then had the feeling to just play and sing out! No words, just voice…

Then, it hit me. Music without words. Music that is just vocals and strings, with just FEELING. I encourage you to try this. I closed my eyes and just played. The thought pattern that I followed in my mind just came flooding out through my voice and my fingertips. I felt truly connected to my music again. The way I was hearing my voice was unlike I had ever heard it before. I felt as if I was able to focus on the FEELING of what was flowing, and not the words that were being spoken. I felt my soul speaking, and I felt peace.

I felt so inspired to share this experience with you all. I highly recommend trying this. 🙂 Even if you know you can’t sing a tune in a bucket, just give it a shot to let loose and feel totally peaceful!

 

I have to say that this experience was not just due to me messing around, but that God was showing me that I DO have what I sometimes question. That is.. His gift. I am forever grateful and I hope that you all are as well for each ONE of you has a gift from the Almighty. 🙂 you may say, “not me!” but the simple fact that you are on a blog says so. Writing is a gift. A way with words is a gift. To be able to calm someone in a complete state of panic..is a great gift. We are ALL gifted and blessed.

Never let a day go by where you don’t give yourself a pat on the back, and for my fellow believers, don’t forget to thank God. 🙂

 

A verse for the road:

PHILLIPIANS 1:4 “..always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with JOY.”

 

Thank you for reading,

Ash