Words that played over and over in my mind.
Words that came from someone who I thought, at one point, hung the moon and all the stars.
He should have left me there, but he didn’t. I guess that’s what really matters.
Let me break it down:
I was on a long path of self-destructive behavior, with no cares in the world. I met someone at the worst possible time. Everything that could drag me down, was doing well at accomplishing just that. This guy saw sides of me that, looking back now, even make me cringe.
What worth did I have? I saw none in myself. And because of my actions, neither did he.
“You’re going to sink.”
I was in too deep. I was so far under the waves of my own broken dam that I couldn’t catch my breath enough to even speak for myself.
I was a coward. I didn’t stand up. I sank lower. I secluded myself. I was spiritually dying..
“I should have just left you there.”
…in the state of completely shattered pieces just chaoticly searching for something to hold on to! No direction.. No aspirations. Hell, all I knew how to do was lay down, write and tie my shoes. Yeah, I could drive.. I could drive my car right into a fence and end my own misery. That was a thought every three days.
“WHO AM I?!” My soul screamed..
All the while I have this person, who I have completely anchored myself down to at this point, screaming right at me too:
“You can’t even think for yourself!”
“You literally do NOTHING!”
“I just have to maintain…and tolerate.”
So many things that, at the time, I thought would ring in the back of my mind forever. So many words….
What was I doing… I couldn’t breathe.. I was so lost between the emotional battle of trying to be someone… and trying to ground myself for everything bad that I had already done!! I could not find a middle ground no matter how much I dug inside.
For months, I felt this way, and it just got worse.. A battle upstairs, and a battle in front of my eyes.. I was at war.
“I can’t do this anymore..” I would think… but I would do it again. I had nowhere else to go.. I had nobody.
My past ripped everything I ever had to shreds.. I was paying for it.
I was dealing with all of the consequences of everything I had ever done. It was my time for reconstruction, rebuilding, reboot.. whatever you may see it as. I was being bulldozed.
It was time to close a chapter, and start a whole new book.
Months passed, and we both got to our breaking point.. He made me leave. He made me go out into the world, and mend myself.
“Sink or swim”
A third perspective would look at us and say “abuse” and “destruction.”
But… when you break it down… Who was really to blame in a situation like that?
From my blind eyes I thought:
I need him. I can’t do this life alone. He is everything I ever see myself with.
From his eyes:
How could I love someone who has no value of their own life? Someone who sees nothing in themselves. No goals. She is a “parasite.”
Being forced to leave was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Being broken down was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Being cut off from everybody I’d ever known was the best thing that ever happened to me.
The adventure that my demons took me on was quite a crazy one… but I was given a chance for a new start. A door was opened, and I hit it running.
What I learned was this:
Never love someone more than you love yourself.
GOD comes first!
NEVER be afraid.
Take your hardships as a challenge, and love the hell out of yourself. Find the worth in your soul, and frustrate your flesh.
Be able to realize that, sometimes, the truth hurts.
Nothing good comes without a fight, and nothing beautiful comes easy.
“If it hurts, it’s probably what’s best.”
Thank the Lord for all the chances he gives us, and the places he takes us. Don’t be afraid to ask him for direction. If you listen, he talks.